Why I’m terrified of my senior year

Tomorrow is the online enlistment for my last year in college, and I am flipping in anxiety. As we all know, a schedule practically determines who your classmates will be, which professors you would be dealing with, and basically what your life would be like in the next three months. Unfortunately, this year has been my worst fear and I am scared to death.

Here’s why:

1. I’m not ready to leave college yet.

And I don’t think I’ll be ready any time soon. One of the few reasons why I had second-thoughts upon choosing De La Salle University (DLSU) over the University of Santo Tomas (UST) is because of their academic calendars. Since DLSU is a trimestral system, the usual four-year courses would only take you three years which meant less time for me for experiencing everything that I wanted to experience. I could just imagine myself taking up a masters degree at the age of 20 while my former high school batchmates are only in their fourth year of college. And as someone who hates missing out on anything, three years would definitely not suffice for me.

Like what I’ve said in my previous post, I am running as an editor for the news writing section (Balita) of Ang Pahayagang Plaridel. I don’t know if this makes sense to you but I’m scared of winning. It’s not that I’m not fully committed to this or anything. I’m definitely passionate for journalism. No question with that. I’m just really afraid that I might let people down despite all my efforts of avoiding it to happen. I’ve always looked down at myself, and I think I’d have to work extra hard to boost up my self-esteem – just so I could be well-deserving of the position and the responsibility.

I’ve also been joining the Pump Up The Animo Inter-college Cheerleading Competition and in two years, I have grown to love the College of Liberal Arts Squad. I was a frustrated cheerleader since forever, and I swore to myself that I wouldn’t let this chance slip away like I did back in my high school days. Thing is, I don’t know if I could still join the competition for the last time. I am itching in excitement with the thought of regaining our title as champions, especially since it was recently taken away by the College of Engineering. Yet with the thesis season, the possibility of being a news editor, and the pressure of getting a Latin Honor, I don’t know if I could still make it.

2. I need to get at least a second honorable mention, or my parents won’t love me anymore.

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but believe me, that’s really how it is. My parents are both over-achievers. My mom’s a chemical engineer while my dad is a doctor (optometrist). And what am I? Their biggest disappointment?

I’ve never been part of the merit card awardees back in my elementary and high school. I wasn’t involved in any spelling bee or quiz bee competitions. I never was the teacher’s pet. I was the mediocre student – the one that would require her parents to come to school for either bad grades or for some dumb group singing competition they weren’t really interested in. I don’t know what happened to me, either, but getting that award would be a prerequisite for their whole-hearted acceptance. They have been expecting me to get it even before I began college. More like demanding, actually. My parents never fail to remind me of how hard they have been working for my overly expensive tuition, how much of a struggle it is to actually put me in a good school when we’re just a middle class family, and how that award would be the only reward they wanted me to give.

Heck, my dad is even broadcasting to our relatives that I’m about to get a Magna Cum Laude by the end of this year when it’s not even likely. My current cumulative grade point average is only 3.064 which, in all honesty, would damage my emotional, mental, and physical health  upon the course of its maintenance. Plus, they think that my course is easy because it doesn’t involve Math.

I just can’t bottle up the pressure anymore.

3. I’m terrified of being alone for another unbelievably harsh 365 days.

It has been a year since I “broke up” with my first group of friends in college and up to date, I still haven’t figured out way we ended up this way.

Something’s wrong with me.

For some reason, they just didn’t like me all of a sudden. I remember realizing that everything was just not the same, that they were slowly avoiding me, and that I didn’t belong anymore. I remember how miserable I felt after that open forum we had during the first term of our sophomore year, and how scarring it was to actually be confronted with judgment. I remember trying to ‘reprogram’ myself in the hope of finally getting their acceptance, and realizing afterwards that I couldn’t because I had to be myself.

Sadly, despite all my efforts, the broken ties remain unfixed. I stopped trying to regain our relationship because I found out that they were still talking behind my back. Nobody was reaching out except for me, and I couldn’t force them to do the same when they obviously didn’t want to.

It’s really surprising how much change could occur in just one year. I couldn’t imagine how close we were, and how estranged we are right now.

And it all boils down to THIS: I’m terrified of having no one as my thesis mate.

I feel like I have no real friends amongst my course mates anymore. If only I could shift courses and start all over.  Most of my block mates think I’m the overly active writer-cheerleader who does nothing but publish articles and attend pep trainings every night, thereby ending up 30 minutes late for 8 AM classes. I just couldn’t shake off this reputation, and I don’t know if anyone would still want me as their group mate.

I’m scared of getting rejected. I’ve always been scared of rejection. I may seem indifferent most of the times but, trust me, it’s painful.