The stages of deprivation


Deprivation, regardless of the context, would always be an agony of anticipation.

You would begin by seeing your daily routine as an excruciating burden.

You would hate on even the littlest slip-ups of life. Yes, even just dropping your pen would annoy you terribly. You would hate on everyone who did nothing but co-exist in your realm. You would hate them because their existence didn’t matter, and those who do are just……elsewhere.

You would want something to look forward to in order to survive these dreadful days that seem to take forever. You need to have it soon. Real soon.

And so, you wait – eagerly and absent-mindedly.

You feed on nostalgia because it saves you from disappointment.

You would replay scenes in your head for as long as you could. You would be unable to hide your sheepish smiles for the little fixations you hang on to. You would bang your head on the wall every time you remember your stupidity and all the awful truths you try to run away from.

No sign at all, but you still wait.

You start getting impatient, but you keep waiting. You keep hoping, and wishing, and praying for luck.

You get nothing.

Eventually, you would blame fate and all its unfortunate interventions.

You would ponder upon destiny and think it was conspiring against you. You would begin thinking that the world was being selfish for not giving your only wish. You would feel guilty about being so self – absorbed, but would refute all of it anyway. After all, you aren’t asking for too much, so why can’t the world just be nice and help you gain composure?

Still nothing.

You would resort to outrageous options out of desperation.

You would exhaust your eyes from rummaging every corner of the lair. You would grow depressed, more, and more, and more each passing day, because it’s the only thing you need – the only thing that would keep you together.

You would grip on to the word ‘soon’ with fists clenched firmly because it is your only fall back.

You hold on to it despite its ambiguity because it comforts you and reassures you that sooner or later, things will be normal again. You would dwell on the uncertain and allow it to torment you.

You will continue to wait in vain until your ‘peace of mind’ has finally emerged.