For once, I want to be selfish.
Anyone who has grasped the idea of a ‘true’ friend would want nothing but genuine happiness for friends. And I do. Trust me, I really do. I have always put other people’s happiness before mine because that’s just how I value relationships. I have always been pleased with helping other people because I find pleasure in being part of their happiness. Yet this time, happiness actually terrifies me.
It scares me to see you happy together because I feel like I’m starting to lose my place in our bond. It scares me because as much as I am embracing the idea of being the “comfortable third-wheel,” I never want to be a “legitimate” third-wheel. I don’t want you to be better off without me, even if I am well aware that you already are. I want you both of you to want me around because I do want to be wanted around. I would like to think that you have both reserved a special place in your hearts for me, because you have an entire apartment in mine, and that is something I rarely entrust with.
It scares me because having someone to hopelessly hope with has always been my comfort. It comforts me in a way that words couldn’t. Somehow, I feel less alone in my dilemmas if I have someone to run to who could understand exactly what I mean by being enamored, ecstatic, miserable, confused, and certain all at the same time.
Most of all, it scares me because the ‘happy’ that I’m talking about, the happy that I see in you, is the kind of happy that just sparks so powerfully and profoundly in your eyes. It’s a spark that anyone would notice – a spark that couldn’t be concealed. It scares me because I feel like you’re on your way to your most awaited assurance, and I am still stuck here with nothingness.
Heck, all I want is a single day devoted to sincerity and openness. I want a day of celebrating this newfound appreciation for the good, the bad, and the ugly things in life and in people. I want a day similar to the countless days you always have.
Everything just falls into place for you so easily in a way that never occurs to me. You don’t have to wait painfully for the things you want because fate always favors you. You don’t have to go through an upsetting series of torture just to quench your longing because the person you are fervent for connects with you just effortlessly. You need not to do anything to earn his attention, regard, and affection. No, you don’t even have to try because to him, you already are loveable as you are.
Whatever you have is just beautiful, and I am awfully jealous of it.
I know that what we have is different from what you have. And I know that we are different people with different lives and different stories. It isn’t right to compare myself to you because comparison never leaves people contented. But for once, I want to be selfish because the world is, too.
I deserve to be selfish because like you, and everyone else, I deserve to be happy. I deserve the rawness, the honesty, and the comfort that you experience. I deserve a chance to revive the connection that I knew (or at least that of which I was praying for) was there. I deserve a time of my own – a time that will be ours to own.
So, tell me, fate. When will it ever be my turn?